Dear Blog...

I haven't talk to you for a while.... I haven't poured out my deepest thoughts and I haven't confided in you for sometime. When was the last I told you the most profound questions in my head? I honestly don't remember the last time I asked you a silly question...

But guess what, I may have to start doing that more often now. You know, you've been there with me since forever. You were in the form of a diary, a journal and now a blog. You know my history. You felt the pain. You saw all the tears. You were there in my mind, swimming through a morass of hopes, dreams, ambitions, bitterness, shame, guilt and self-blame. Yeah, you do know me well...

Remember those entries I erased? Only the two of us know, huh? We even have unpublished secrets... At least I know you are my secret keeper. My friend. My defender.

Your blank pages are comforting. They invite me to pour my heart out and experience catharsis again and again and again.

I know you are always there waiting. Thank you "Blog." Thank you for being there.... even at 3 am, when it's cold outside and the only sound I hear is the ticking of the clock...

It's almost 4 am... thanks for being here. For being a receptacle of my thoughts, my secrets, my longings, my angst. Thank you...

Thank you for being there at 3 am on a winter Sunday morning...

Maybe I Don't Know How To Love...

If you do, then maybe you could teach me how. What is love anyway?

Soooooo Done

I am so effin done for this semester!!!! I turned in my last paper today! Woooohooo. Well, I have one more group presentation on Monday then I'll be officially done with this semester but I finished my hardest paper ever and I am sooooo relieved! Finally I can go home and relax in the evening time. Finally, I'm gonna have the time to read books for pleasure! And finally, maybe I can explore Facebook more so I can see what's the hype all about. And so I know what it means when somebody sends me a growing gift hehehe

I'm just so relieved. I have only one more class to go and a thesis to write and I am done with school!!!!!!!! Isn't that the coolest thing ever????

I am ready to party!!!!! Hehehe

Looking Back

I was just reading what I came up last night after doing a few minutes of free writing. Wow. It's so amazing to see what flows from your thoughts to paper - well in this case - a computer when you just let your mind go and write whatever comes to mind and not worry about grammars and punctuation marks etc.

We did this exercise once when I took a class in Art Therapy and it was so cool how liberating it can be to write a narrative of your thoughts and just let it go.... You should try it sometime too...

Anyway, reading my previous entry again on Free Writing, I find the ending part funny. Throwing the heart out the window... Hahaha where did that come from? It actually sounds kinda gross now. LOL

I think I should do this more often - just free write and see what comes out...

Have a great Sunday everybody!

Free Writing

"Free writing is serendipitous: It can help you to discover new ideas, liberate inner thoughts and tensions, and improve your other writing skills." Writing that's not supposed to be shared with anyone but there's no harm in posting it here in my blog, no? So here's what i wrote in a free writing session i did today at 1:49 am to 1:58 am....


Just the flowers are wilting. Like no more colors. Black. Ugly. Not fragrant. Just a piece of crap sitting hanging at the end of a stem disconnected from all the life, the water the things necessary for it to grow. The birds are chirping a sad song. The clouds are looming in the eastern sky. the sun cant be seen. Where are you? Where have you been? there's nothing but the rain. the photographs are fading. in the endless sky i see the horizon. horses flying into space. Life is crazy sometimes. most of the time. The pebbles, the rocks, they stay in place. Yet they don't. They move. Feet kick them. a boulder moved by some big machinery. nothing stays in its place ever. not the flower, not the river. it keeps flowing. it keeps dying. life is just a process of dying and living and dying and living again. An dthen what, you reach out for a bottle of tylenol because your head hurts and suddenly your heart hurts too. you see it bleed. you see it break. and then you wonder, will it ever be whole again? will it ever cry again? and what if it does cry again? can you wipe the tears away and ignore the marks they leave? what are you gonna do? are you just gonna stand there? like a man on a street in a busy city flagging a taxi cab? well guess what, there are no tqaxi cabs. im afraid you'll have to use your feet so you can leave, so you can go to far far away places. like a bird you will fly free into the horizon, to countries far far away. and when you go, ill come search for you. maybe tomorrow when i wwake up i wake up searching for your love

and maybe i will find it under my pillow. the petals of sunflowers under my pillow. no scent. but the color remains. they are as yellow as ever. i hold them in my hand and feel their no longer tender petals. but fragile. carefully i touch them and put them close to my lips so i could reminisce their tenderness

maybe it will bring back great memories of yesteryears when love was new. when love was like a river flowing. crystal clear.

the floor is cold. my back touching it. stinging. i lay there with my heart in my hand. a smile on my face. my hair spread all over. i grab the heart, clenched my fist and throw it and i hope someone will be there to catch it.

or i will never find it again. no one will ever find it again.....

Filth and Tears

the dirty water flowed
into dark tunnels through
the maze of this lovely city
where the light glows
and the lovers kiss
will it ever find its way
to the dark blue ocean
and meet the tears of a woman
waiting, searching
until her soul gets lost
in the blackness of
the water.....
dark, filthy water...

After A While

After A While
Veronica Shoffstall

After a while, you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman not the grief of a child,
And learn to build your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight,
After a while, you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much,
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye, you learn.

*found this on Abel's blog