Done With The Zahir

Wow. Although not as compelling as “The Alchemist", Paul Coelho’s new book “The Zahir”was thought- provoking, similar to “Eleven Minutes”, written by the same author. After reading its final page last night, I sat still on the couch, mulling over questions provoked by Coelho’s thoughts.

Thoughts about love, marriage, rules, taboos, happiness and life. I sat there and reviewed my life, my past personal history and how much of it was spent conforming to other people’s rules and standards. How I should love. Who I should love. How I should be loved. How long I should love. That marriage should be according to whatever our own religions taught us.

I wanna write more about the book and the stuff it made me think about, the feelings it stirred in me and the new learnings it brought to my heart. But I shall not do so. I know I have a few friends who might wanna read it too and I don’t wanna spoil it for them.

All I can say is that after reading the book, I decided that I shall let no one dictate me of how and who I should love, ignore the pressure of social norms and let go of my personal history for me to enjoy life today. I shall go and do things not because I read them in some stupid “Things To Do Before You Turn 30” kind of books but because I made my own list.

And when I grow old, I will be happy for I charted my own course and drew my own map.

And so my epitaph shall say:

Here lies a woman who lived and died without regrets…

Life Gets Better

The doctor left a message on my voicemail today. Everything is ok. Absolutely nothing to worry about.

So I am relieved. But it almost seemed like it was a very close brush with death. And it actually made me think about life and what I really wanna do with it. This experience brought me so much closer to who I really am and the things that matter to me.

I had so many things happening at the same time for the past 3 months that after my birthday, it felt like I just started a brand new life. For the past 3 months, I suffered so much but I know that after having gone through the fire, I came out shining like gold.

I definitely feel stronger, definitely appreciating life and the people around me more. Life is good, no matter what. Life is good even if it doesn't seem like it. Life is good.

And yes, life does get better.

Nervous As Hell

I'm impatiently waiting for my biopsy result. Part of me wants to know right now. But somehow I feel like a lil bit of stalling would actually do me good. I'm not really sure but yeah, I'm nervous as hell. I am praying it's nothing but a piece of fibrous tissue that can easily be taken out. If not, well, I guess I'll just have to cross that bridge when I get there.

I'm sure things do happen for a reason. That nothing is ever a coincidence. That yeah, every moment planned or not, intended or not, they're all part of a grand masterplan. So whatever the result will be, I will not sit it out. I won't sulk in one corner and act like I'm a victim. I will be who I am now. One strong-willed woman.

But I'm still nervous though. And a time like this pushes me to do an inventory of my life: things I've done and things I've always wanted to do but never had the time or the guts to do it (e.g. like getting a tattoo), people I've somehow helped, heartbreaks and happy memories, places I've been and places I still wanna visit (top on my list is Peru), people I've wronged and people I need to forgive. Somehow, times like this makes me more reflective about life and about things that really matter.

So what really matters?

Right now, all that matters to me is the bouquet of roses sitting on my desk at work - an early birthday present that my boss gave me. She walked into the office earlier this morning and handed to me the most fragrant bouquet in a vase I've ever had. And the sweetest thing about it is that it came right from her garden! I wish I had my camera with me so I could have snapped a picture of it. But yeah, it was really lovely. And it was so thoughtful of my her. She also promised to take me out for lunch on my birthday. :)

The flowers came at the right time when I was feeling nervous and anxious about my biopsy result. They brightened my day and made everything seem a little better.

So what else matters....

A mother's voice, an old friend's laughter, a touching note from a childhood friend written on a recycled paper, the joy of finished projects like scrapbooks and babyshower favors...

Life is good indeed... although sometimes, it can be like a fucking crazy roller coaster ride.

Life is Good

Finally, my former boss called today and told me they are going to cut me a final check – the one from my old job. They messed it up last month and I have been trying to get my money from them. After almost a month of waiting, I finally heard a word from them. Well, I don’t have the check yet but at least I got his word so that’s good enough, for now.

I just got back from playing tennis. It’s been sometime since I played tennis and instead of being rusty, I actually did well. I had to call it a game around 9:15 coz I was beginning to get exhausted. It was fun though. I should do that more often.

Well, it was another good day at work today. I am almost ready to hit the sack but I am trying to find more information for a weekend hike my friends and I are planning to take. We’re thinking of going to Cathedral Lakes in Yosemite which is a 6-hour hike (I think) or maybe do Desolation Wilderness. I’m not sure yet which one we’d pick.

I guess that’s about it for today. I gotta get back on my hiking trail research. Can’t wait to get out in the wilderness again.

Life is great!

Principles for Life

#1: One thing I've learned in life is the fact that promises are shit. They're not worth anything. Not even promises written in blood. Promises don't guarantee anything.

So I decided to live my life without promises - I'm not making them and no, I am not asking for them. I think what we should do is to just do the best we can when we could. And never expect anything back.

Life should be easier that way. Life without promises means less hassle and less trouble.

#2: Uncertainty is necessary. Wouldn't it be a boring life if I already know what tomorrow holds? It would suck to know the future. And life wouldn't be as fun anymore. Who knows, I could even get into an accident and die later on my way to the gas station to fill up my car before I go to bed. Who knows? And sometimes, when I talk about dying, people around me seem to be terrified. They react like death should be some forbidden topic.

But I guess it's natural for people to fear the unknown. Death is an unknown, it's a mystery. But isn't it true that young as I am, I could still possibly die tomorrow or next week or I could die in my sleep tonight. No one knows.

And yet I choose to live my life to the fullest. Taking more time to appreciate the heat of the sun on my skin, the rustling of tree branches outside my window, just little things that make life more colorful and beautiful. One thing I've already learned from my job is to not sweat the small stuff. And I found out how life can be so much easier if you don't sweat the small stuff.

So Wave's life's principle # 1: No promises. Hell no.
and life's principle # 2 : Embrace uncertainty.

I'm sure more learnings will come. But for now, I will stick to these two principles as I continue to live this wonderful, crazy and exciting journey called life.

It's Not Fair!

David Gray is coming to San Francisco 10 days before my birthday! But tickets are sold out already. It's not fair! :( I've always wanted to watch him perform.

All the tickets available online are way above the face value and no way I will pay that price.

Hmmm, maybe I would get lucky on Craigslist. Or probably get unlucky and pay for a fake concert ticket.

It's not fair! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Anybody out there wanna sell me a David Gray ticket at the Fillmore Theater in San Francisco? I'm willing to pay $60 for it. That's almost double the face value. Please.......

Random Thought

Why does a piece of paper, like an 8" x 11" feel lighter when it is unfolded than when it's crumpled. E.g., try throwing a piece of paper in a trash bin froma distance. It won't make it if it's not crumpled. You have to crumple it in order for that piece of paper to make it to the trash bin.

I know, it's probably just simple physics but I was just amused by the thought. I was also thinking how it relates to life. You don't go through life unscathed. In order for you to make it somewhere, you have to be crumpled and wrinkled and pressed. Coz if you're like a piece of flat paper, the wind will just playfully toss you around.

But of course I don't wanna end up getting thrown in the trash bin. Know what I'm sayin?

2nd Day of An Aimless Roadtrip

We left Rosburg about 7:30 this morning. Man, I tell you, the drive from there was so beautiful. We we're on I-5 the entire time but it was so beautiful. I used to visualize a flat, boring drive when I hear I-5. Today's drive totally changed that.

There were pine trees and evergreens everywhere. We went up hills and mountains and down to the valleys. Even the rest stops are beautiful! They look like they were nestled in the middle of a forest!

We stopped by Portland, Oregon's biggest city. We crossed one of their many bridges into downtown and parked right by their World Trade Center. From there, we walked to the water front and enjoyed the scenery. It was drizzling when we got there but it wasn't too bad. After our quick jaunt to Portland, we hit I-5 again and kept on driving North.

I wasn't really that impressed with Portland. Well, I don't think I can judge a city by the little tiny bit that I saw but I just didn't fall in love with it. It was just – blah. I'm sorry if someone from Portland is reading my blog.

But when we finally arrive in the Seattle area, damn, I wanted to stop right there and explore the city. I fell in love with Seattle the moment I saw its Skyline. I didn't have that "blah" feeling that I felt in Portland. We didn't stop though. We drove past Seattle thinking we might be able to get to Vancouver, Canada later this afternoon. But right after we got to Everett, traffic was so heavy and I thought maybe the wait at the US-Canada border will be too long. So instead of sitting in traffic, we decided to make a U-turn and headed back to Seattle.

Everett is only about 20 miles away so it wasn't really that bad. We stopped by a gas station to grab a Travel Discount Hotel Coupon Guide. I called a few places until I I found a reasonable rate that was right there at the Seattle City Center.

We stayed at the Travelodge right by the Space Needle! Okay, the place was blah. It has a bed, lamp, shower, AC – just the basics. But it was right there, close to everything. We even have a Space Needle View right at our door.

Since Space Needle was right there, we explored it first. Then we took the Monorail and walked about 4 blocks to Seattle's famous Public Market. This Public Market is the oldest Public Market in the US. Trust me, this place, is something you don't wanna miss when you go to Seattle.

Everything is so affordable. They were selling beautiful bouquets of flowers for $10! These bouquets are probably worth $30 in flower shops. This is also where you will find the World Famous Pike Place Fish Market. They do salmon throwing here which was fun to see. If you buy fish, lobster, crab etc. here, they can pack it for you – safe enough to go on a plane ride with ya. Is that cool or what?

We walked down into the second level of the Public Market and there it was – the restaurant where Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan shot one of their scenes in Sleepless in Seattle!!!!!! That was really cool. We then head to a Russian shop and had a Piroshki and something else – can't remember what the name was – but it was like a Piroski with cream and cherries. That was good. The piroshkis were big enough to get us by until dinner.

We headed back to the Monorail but we got sidetracked at the underground Bus line. The place was deserted. Apparently, they no longer operate on the weekends. It was cool though, walking through the deserted platform. Empty. Even the escalators were empty, though they were running. It was sort of eerie, kinda like a movie scene.

We got back on the Monorail and headed back to the foot of the Space Needle. We were gonna eat dinner at the Revolving Restaurant on top of the Space Needle but I thought it was very expensive for an aimless trip like this. 45 bucks was the cheapest for the main course. So we decided to check out China Town for a cheaper deal.

Seattle's China Town wasn't that impressive. And we didn't stop there for dinner. Iwas reading a tourist map when I came across a restaurant called "Typhoon." It's a Thai restaurant and it has been recommended by Bon Appetit, America's Food and Entertaining magazine as the best Thai restaurant in the US.

Didn't even think twice about it. I love Thai food. So we decided to check it out. The ambiance was nice. I loved it! The food was indeed very good. I've been to so many Thai restaurants but I have to say that yes, I agree with Bon Appetit. Best Thai Food so far. We ordered Crab Pad Thai, Grilled Trout and Pineapple Fried Rice. We also had Iced Tea. Trust me, everything was cooked to perfection! The only thing I didn't like was the absence of Thai servers. All their servers were either blonde haired women or some other nationality other than Thai. But the food was good. So no complaints here.

Then we drove around Seattle, exploring its different neighborhoods. We found one of the best view of the Seattle Skyline on 5th Ave. and hmm, I forgot the cross street but I wrote it down somewhere. It was just beautiful during sunset. Though I'm sure the skyline looks more beautiful on a boat but we didn't have enough time to catch one.

We drove around Seattle City Center one more time then we headed back to our lodging. Gotta get enough sleep for a long day tomorrow. We'll try to cross the border to Canada and explore Vancouver. This one should be exciting.

Ciao.

First Leg of An Aimless Roadtrip

I was chatting with Bing last night as I was getting my clothes ready for an aimless roadtrip. And so I asked her where should we head to and she suggested North. So North it is.

We started our trip around 6 p.m., Friday, expecting heavy bottlenecks along the way but we were so lucky . There was NO traffic anywhere. Not even on freeways going out of the Bay Area. After 6 hours we finally crossed the border into Oregon.

Luckily, we found a vacancy in 10 minutes in a little town called Roseburg. The price was kinda steep but I thought, well, it's July 4th weekend. So I kinda expected this aimless roadtrip to be somewhat expensive.

It's about 1 a.m. now. And gotta get as much rest as I can for the next leg of our trip tomorrow. Where to? I don't know.

I won't know. Not yet. Not until the tires stop spinning. But we're headed North, that's for sure.

*this was written at Windmill Inn in Roseburg, Oregon where we spent the first night of this 3-day weekend.

String of Moments

“Always remember… it’s the moment that counts,” my supervisor said as I was getting ready to leave work. I told her how interesting that she should mention that coz I just wrote an entry in my journal (paper not online) about life as being a string of moments. Then she added, “it’s the journey, not the destination.”

God, if I take these words seriously right now, that means my life is like the boy’s life in Paul Coelho’s book, “The Alchemist.” Everything happens for a reason. And why I am here at this job, and why she became my supervisor all happened for a reason. And she said those words to me, as if speaking directly to my heart to tell me that life is all about the moment.

So I shared to her what I wrote…

“A String of Moments”

Today I realized that for me to enjoy each to the fullest, I should look at life as a string of moments. Every moment is a bead that I put on my string. Some of them so uniquely beautiful while a few others are distorted yet they blend in perfect harmony with the rest. Those are the seemingly ugly beads I choose to keep because either they remind me of how strong I was at that moment and overcame whatever adversity it was . Or maybe I decided to keep it to remind me of some stupid mistake I made and to remind me to try not to make them again.

I realized that yes, this is what "living for the moment" is all about. It means taking time to gaze into your friend's eyes s she rants about a bad day at work and how small her paycheck is. It is about how sweet her smile is when she sees you. It is feeling the warmth of your loved one's hands and the soothing sound of his/her heartbeat as you lay your head on his/her chest. It's about hearing the excitement in your niece's voice and enjoying her worryfree laughter. It is about noticing the fleeting beauty of a flower just about to bloom. And the smile of a bride walking down the aisle.

Life is all about noticing the special gift that each moment brings. Every moment is a bead. And when you start looking at life like that, it would become a beautiful string of colorful beads - one beautiful string of moments - and in each bead you'll see a reason why you should smile and how special your life really is.

Job Etc.

First 3 days at my new job was ok. Didn't really do that much since my trainer was on vacation. It was mostly introduction to coworkers, supervisors, reading the employee handbook and familiarizing myself with office policies. My supervisor took me out to lunch on my first day at a very nice CHinese Restaurant (Mandarin Style.)

2nd day was kinda like amazing race. I borrowed the restroom key from one of the doctoral interns so I could go get a copy for myself. Unfortunately, she didn't know where I can get keys made. So on my lunch hour, I ventured into streets of China Town to look for Thai Iced Tea and a key maker.

I had to ask a few places where to get a key copied. And it was like Amazing Race, coz of the language barrier. All the people I asked from didn't speak English and talked to me in Chinese! And all I could do was nod my head and head to the direction where they were pointing at. After about 30 minutes of aimless search for this shop that made keys, I finally found it! After trying to decipher store signs in all kinds of Chinese (Mandarin, Cantonese etc.) I finally got myself a copy of the bathroom key. Phew! I just realize how har dit must be to win the Amazing Race.

Yesterday was my 4th day on this job. And boy, it was busy as hell. My trainer was finally here and he's Filipino from Baguio City so he spoke Ilocano as well. He's a very nice guy and showed me a pic of him and his partner. We got down to business and reviewed charts, treatment plans etc. Right about lunchtime, my head started to hurt with all these new info. Information overload. After lunch, I had to sit dwon with my supervisor for supervision. I have weekly supervision which is really nice so I could discuss all my issues and questions with her. Then I had to go to a Team Meeting after supervision where we did updates, both business and personal.

Onthe 5th day of my new job, I ordered myself a copy of DSM-IV-TR (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) which according to my supervisor is the bible of my job. I have a copy sitting here at my office. Heck everybody in the office has one. But I want my own copy so I could read it at home and familiarize myself with diagnosis and blah blah blah. LOL

This going to be a challenging job and I'm lucky to have a new job I look forward to when I get up in the morning. Having a very mentally demanding job right now keeps me from focusing too much on other life's crap. It's all good though.

Ciao.